I am going home.
To the place, but more so to a mental space.
Not for long, but long enough to allow myself to face a lot of things that being here has hidden from me.
And while I am gone, I will read, and meditate and love and be loved, and say hello, and welcome the reality of goodbye.
The truth is you gain a lot when you lose. You gain all the things you carefully avoided, while waltzing flawlessly through the calculated goals that you call life.
You may wakeup at night screaming in-between the “proving to everyone that I am okay snaps”.
And when you stop screaming, you will start to scream on the inside while you quietly question your unexpected grief.
You will ask yourself why me, why us, why her.
You will wonder if it hurt, or why it still hurts?
You will try to talk through your emotions, but never once telling yourself how you actually feel.
I hate to cry, because it is a lack of control, it makes me feel weak, and it rips away my superwoman shield.
I hate to cry because it reminds me that I am human. And to be human means to accept that shit happens when you don’t want it to.
But one day, you will stop avoiding reality, you will pack your bags, your feelings, and your tears…. and you will go home home, to breathe and be.
I will see you guys on February 15th.
Body Positive fashion and lifestyle blogger.