The other day, one of my girlfriends (Tino), said to me…
“You have to be able to look into the mirror everyday and tell yourself that you are enough.”
But the truth is, I don't.
Last year I decided to take a break from dating, which was smart. And then this year I convinced myself that I was ready to actually open up the little that was left of me. I am not ashamed to say that I have tried almost every single dating site out there. I have answered all the questions about who I am, what I want in a man, and even added some sarcasm or humor into my profile.
But there was still a big issue. I still don’t know how to date a man, without wondering what his views are on plus sized women. As I swipe through the photos of wonderfully made, eligible bachelors, I find myself looking at his photos trying to decipher whether or not he “looks like the type” who would date a curvier woman.
I swipe through the images of him at the bars, or on ski trips, and on beaches and wonder what those friends (who I may never meet), would think about the extra dip in my back, or the extra love in my handles.
I just wonder, when was it okay for me to have to feel the need to plead with a man, and those around him to overlook what I see everyday in the mirror. How did I make what I have worked so hard to be proud of, the very thing I hope someone will forget to notice about me.
I will be the first to admit that I don’t always think that I am enough. Now, I may look in the mirror and see that I am more than enough, but I struggle to feel like I am enough in the eyes of someone else. And so I decided, that I would shut the little door that I just pryed open. Until I figured this out.
And if you are reading this, and you even for a second felt some of the things that I felt…then baby you aren’t ready to let someone in. Because the truth is, if you don’t memorize the beauty of every curve and dip, and stretchmark and dimple that you see in the mirror, you will give someone else the permission to list the things that need to be erased from the mirror.
Learning to love yourself is only the starting line, but the biggest obstacle is learning that you don’t need to beg others to love your self.
See, there will be men who date you because they see the potential of a better you, and there will be men who date you but refuse to claim you because they can only claim the parts of you that are seen by only you, and you. And, there will be the men who will negotiate a plan with you, so that when the world comments on what you look like…they can so proudly re-assure them that you are “working on it”
But then, there could be the you that starts to believe that maybe you have always been enough. I may not believe what I am saying. But what I do know is that I have no strength to train a man to be secure about me, when I am trying to learn to exist within me.
And for me, that is enough.