The Gift That Is This Curse

Infidelity is the most empowering gift that a man can ever give a woman.

Yes, you may smell the lemonade that is so carefully infused into this post. But I will never be ashamed to admit that watching Beyonce’s lemonade maybe ten times over made me find the courage to write this post.

The first line of this post may still be lingering in your thought process, and is the underlying sentiment has been challenging me for years. While we do not get into the details of the type of infidelity that has plagued my imperfect life…I learned these last few years that the power I gained from the selfish act of the men around me has been thickly woven into the rhetoric of the pieces that so carefully built this woman in me.

I once thought that to be cheated on meant that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t worth the sacrificial effort of undivided long-term attention. I will happily admit that like many women, I have many times stepped off the ladder of self respect, floored my pride and picked up the phone to engage in conversations with the other women.

Yes, I’ve been the girl who called the other, not to shout and scream. But simply out of curiosity. To decipher her words, to touch her skin with my eyes, to embrace her gaze, not in a hateful manner, but to simply understand the power she had over me. To experience her magic, to decipher her ways, and maybe to even learn a few things from her (or whatever direction that culture pushes us women).

But, infidelity’s true gift is the energy that It transfers inside of you.It has a deep level of power, it energizes you. Gives you the energy to want to kill, to confront or simply to take the first step away. And I will admit that I have walked away forever, and I have walked away long enough to flirt with distance and pride only to return in the last effort to claim my shattered throne.  A dance that I have well rehearsed for the last ten years of my life.

For the first time, I will share a piece I wrote in my diary, In a tough moment some many near years ago, I picked up a pen inked by emotion and bled onto the pages that I now hand over to you.

Here are the unfiltered thoughts that I shared.

 The moment you have to negotiate the qualifications of cheating, you have already been cheated out of your truth my love.

You can only forgive love.

You can’t forgive the wave of emotion that surrounds the truth that your truth is no longer a secret between you and the faces behind the late night messages

To cheat on a woman is to disrespect the love that lived between her mother and father that created the un intentional perfection that is she.

To cheat on a woman is to disrespect the foundation that are her sisters, whose words and fiery silence created the power that you so gently snatched away.

To cheat on this woman is to stab the back of her brothers who so vividly protect the shell that encases her heart, and her unstable soul.

To cheat on a woman is to open a wound so deep that the core of the earth could never fathom

To cheat on a woman is to remove the trust she has within herself.

To cheat on me, is to take the strings of love that we wove together and tie them around my neck in a swift motion that leads to an inevitable emotional demise. A death so deep that the mere sorry that you weep is as disrespectful as the act in itself.

But then I took you back, until you took me back to the same place. The good thing is that this time it didn't hurt, because the wound never healed anyway.

To keep hurting me is almost pleasurable. A game we play, a test of how deep this wound could go anyway.

I have learned that a man will negotiate the terms of cheating based on the confort of his confessional threshold. Was it physical, was it emotional? Did it have meaning? Did it have love?

Indifelity was so embarrassing to me. The mere thought that i was not enough to hold u grounded. The mere thought that as a last move of power, i had a desire to prove that I still had the power to make you cry and keep you here, away from her, but never far enough.

Infidelity broke me, but built me up.

My blogging journey began on the shaky foundation of a damaged heart. And to say that infidelity is not the greatest gift a man ever gave me, well that would be selfish wouldn’t it?

As always I thank you all for reading my thoughts and my feelings. I share my experiences as a form of healing for me, and as a form of healing and reassurance for you.

Bless you all. 

Xoxo

 Hayet


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